Have you ever felt like avoiding the very thing you desire?

Yes, I am talking to you. The one with a heart full of love, but you take one step back each time you seek it. Why? Because you are afraid of the rejection that might come. 

This is very normal than you think. This issue, called Fearful avoidant attachment, occurs among 7% of the population and develops during the 18 months of a child’s life. But what could be the reasons? How does it affect you in future relationships? What are the symptoms of fearful avoidant attachment?

Yes, I can smell the questions in your mind. So, I could not help writing this piece on this pressing issue. 

Attachment Style

Attachment Style

The human personality and behavioral patterns are deeply rooted in how a person was parented. An emotionally strong personality stems from parenting that raises a child with most of its emotional needs met. However, if the emotional parts are left open, wide, and unattended, a person develops avoidant, anxious, and fearful personalities. 

The attachment style developed within a person has its roots in their parenting, and it affects their bondings and relationships going forward. Most attachment styles are born during the first year of a human’s life. 

1. Secure Attachment Style

People with a secure attachment style have belief in themselves. They see themselves as worthy of other people’s affection and love. This attachment style also makes them see that other people are responsive and trustworthy. These individuals are always comfortable in an intimate relationship and also remain secure on their own.

2. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style

People forming this attachment style find it troubling to form relationships with others. However, they deem others as supportive and accepting. However, they don’t see themselves as worthy of others’ love. 

3. Dismissive-avoidant

Dismissive-avoidant attachment of people has a sense of their personal self being worthy of love. But they have a hard time finding others worthy of their love. They dismiss and avoid intimacy, avoiding close relationships in the process. 

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style 

When the Fearful avoidant attachment style develops within a person, it makes them feel unworthy of themselves. They also don’t trust others to accept or support them. Generally, it is a mix of preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles. 

People who develop these attachment styles don’t accept themselves and see themselves as unlovable. They are also dismissive of others and don’t trust others to love them. They are afraid that it might end up in rejection. However, these individuals also desire intimacy greatly. They also feel great when others accept them.

This attachment style makes these individuals behave confusingly. Their friends and romantic partners may often feel confused by their behaviors. These individuals show emotional and physical closeness at first. However, they start to physically and emotionally detach themselves if they feel vulnerable. 

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Signs

It could be you, or it could be your partner. So, how do you find that you/ someone has a fearful avoidant attachment style? Well, here are some signs an avoidant loves you –

  • Your relationship with them is always stormy and highly emotional. 
  • They often conflict with themselves about wanting to be in a relationship and staying away from it. 
  • They seek faults in their friends and partners to use them as excuses to leave or avoid the relationship. 
  • They find it hard to commit to a relationship and avoid intimacy. 
  • These individuals are afraid and often anxious, thinking they might be inadequate for the relationship. 
  • They might want to walk away from the relationship when things get intimate or emotional. 

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Signs In Children

It is often difficult to understand if a child is showing fearful avoidant behavior, as it is very disorganized. A child who has grown this condition will seek closeness and comfort with their caregiver, but as soon as they get close, that fear of abandonment and mistrust starts building. They might refuse to get engaged with their caregiver, or might ask for attention, and then shut them out completely. 

There are some common signs that can be found in a child with fearful avoidant attachment. Those are:

  • Always feeling that something is wrong and not feeling safe with anyone.
  • They cannot regulate their emotions.
  • They find it difficult to trust others.
  • They are hypervigilant, always looking for the negative signs or signs of danger.
  • They find it hard to soothe themselves.
  • They often show fidgety behavior.
  • They do not have any sense of boundaries.
  • They find it difficult to concentrate.
  • They find it difficult to be friends with other people.
  • They are always separating themselves from others to cut their emotions off.
  • They often try to behave in a bossy way, to take control over things.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Signs In Parents

Fearful avoidant attachment is also very common among parents. In this case, they might be scared of the child. By that I mean they are scared that they do not have an idea about meeting their child’s needs and might freeze when the child is actually in need of support. 

They might actually startle when their child is in need, they might get anxious, and not respond to the child. They might even overlook their child when they are crying because they find it hard to soothe their child. This is mostly because of their own trauma that has occupied their entire mind.

They have not overcome their attachment issues, and it is likely that they will pass it on to their child as well. Their behavior might even scare the child because of their emotional reactions, how they overreact with the child, and might even show abusive behavior towards the child.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Signs In Adults

It is important to address the child once they start showing the signs, or they might take it with them to their adulthood as well. Let’s see what are the signs that they show.

  • They are always trying to have control over things and looking for security.
  • They find it difficult to trust others.
  • They have a negative ideas about themselves.
  • They want to have a committed close relationship but are scared of getting too attached.
  • They are always on high alert, always feeling like something might go wrong.
  • They believe they will let people down and disappoint others.
  • They are always anxious.
  • They have that people-pleasing tendency in them.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment: What’s At Stake?

As stated before, individuals developing this attachment style would shy away from an intimate relationship; they also see themselves as unworthy of the same. This leaves a lot at stake. According to several studies, this attachment style closely connects to depression. Here are a handful of impacts this attachment style might have on a person–

  • People with fearful avoidant attachments are more vulnerable to depression. 
  • Anxiety might also come from constant self-criticism affected by an avoidant attachment. 
  • These people tend to have more sexual partners and may commit to unwanted and causal sexual intercourse. 

How To Overcome Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style?

This attachment style leaves an individual with a challenge in relationships during their adulthood. However, you can change your attachment style. People usually develop their attachment style during their infancy. However, it is possible to change your attachment styles, thanks to professional therapists. Here are a few steps you can take –

First, Learn About Your Attachment Style

How you attach yourself to others may keep you from having the peace and happiness of essential human relationships. However, by learning your attachment style, you can work with professionals to change it. You can identify the patterns indicating the type of attachment style you developed. Then you can work to change it. 

Set Boundaries & Slow Down

It is ok to take your relationship slow. If you are afraid of sharing too much information about yourself, then don’t. You should talk to your partner and clarify this matter. It is alright to take things gradually forward. Clear communication about things that make you anxious is a good way to proceed. 

You Are Worth It, So Are Others 

You are worth it as a romantic partner or a friend; a fearful avoidant attachment makes you feel negative about yourself. 

It makes you feel emotionally negative about yourself. When the time comes, it makes you feel unworthy to be loved by others. You also start to dismiss others in fear or rejection. 

Start being compassionate to yourself and be kind to yourself. You deserve to be loved just as others do. Also, when you start accepting yourself, others will also follow. You will also accept others trying to accept and love you. 

Proudly Seek A Therapy

If this condition is ailing you, it would be wise to leave things to the experts and seek therapy. Yes, it is alright to open up to your therapist or counselor. People with such attachment issue find it hard to be intimate with even their therapists – which leads to no good conclusion. 

So, if you are really seeking help, you should learn to open up first to yourself, then to others (like your therapist) who can help. 

Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Our POV

It is hard to connect and communicate with others just because you have developed a certain attachment style. But fortunately, your attachment style can be altered. If you put enough effort and try to keep an open mind about yourself first, you will be on a positive path. 

The source of your happiness is largely the bonds and attachments with people around you. 

So, if you feel something is wrong, do something about it. It is alright to seek professional help. It might be time intensive, but give it time. I hope you found the solution you were seeking. We entertain your further queries, so be open about it and comment below.

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Shahnawaz Alam
Shahnawaz is a passionate and professional Content writer. He loves to read, write, draw and share his knowledge in different niches like Technology, Cryptocurrency, Travel,Social Media, Social Media Marketing, and Healthcare.

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