Toxic mothers are hard to spot. Why? Because they are mothers. Normally we have a very kind, loving, and beautiful perception of a MOTHER. But you never know what evil hides behind toxic mothers.
There is a big difference between a mom having a bad day and a mom constantly being toxic. Toxic moms are hard to spot. Why?
Because even a loving and careful mother might lose their temper and make mistakes; similarly, a toxic mother can also act loving. They will ruin everything and say –
“I love you, honey; all I want to do is be a good mother.”
They play the victim card and often manipulate your emotions to suit their needs. But how do you spot a toxic mom? This article might help you.
What Is A Toxic Mother?
Toxic mothers are experts at creating an unhealthy environment at home. They create a negative environment through toxic and manipulative behaviors, actions, and conversations. It changes a child’s sense of identity and perspective of other human relationships.
They might also affect the poor development of the child’s sense of personal control, social relations, and emotional regulation. Toxic and manipulative mothers are often physically and mentally abusive. A child’s secure and comfortable bond with people close to them is responsible for their personal representation before others.
8 Signs You Were Raised By A Toxic Mother
‘why does mom hate me?’
‘Is my mom a toxic parent?’
If you are wondering and thinking of all these questions, then these signs might be able to help –
1. The Criticizing Eyes Of Sauron
A toxic mom usually creates an unbearable and toxic environment around them. It seems like nothing ever satisfies or pleases them. They constantly criticize people around them. They even create an inner critic subconsciously mirroring their standards. So, their picture comes to mind whenever you try to do anything. If you are raised around such a person, you are bound to question yourself from time to time.
2. Controlling Always, Controlling Everything
Toxic mothers are often too clingy and care a lot (verbally). Yes, they want to be a part of your everything, and sometimes they impose their opinions upon you. They tend to have strong feelings about every little aspect of your life.
They are often way too opinionated about your choice of clothes, interests, career, and even partner. Also, they want to choose everything for you. Moreover, sometimes their controlling behaviors exceed limits and may seem impossible to push back against.
3. She’s A Manipulator
The worst part of having a toxic mother is that they love to blame you for their bad behaviors. Yes, you end up feeling sorry for their bad behaviors. You feel guilty and responsible for something that they did.
They have the hold of that emotional button to trigger you with guilt. They don’t take responsibility for their bad behaviors and impose them upon you. All they want is to have control and superiority.
4. She Humiliates You
Well, humiliation does not always come coated with harsh words. But you can spot one when mom throughs a dagger of sugar at you. Sometimes they humiliate you through brutal words; sometimes, they use subtle humor that is completely inappropriate (yes, the subtle ones hurt the most). When you confront them about their behavior, they will brush it off like gaslighting parents. They usually use sentences like
“you had the wrong idea,” or “you are too sensitive.” or “you remember wrong; that’s not what I said.”
This leads you to feel disillusioned about yourself. It is one way gaslighting parents exercise power over their children.
5. She Does Not Validate Your Feelings
You cannot be yourself in front of a toxic mother or a toxic parent. They always criticize, belittle, and challenge your true self. These parents will always make you feel like your emotions are incorrect, excessive, or inconvenient. You may have feelings of unhappiness, frustration, or anger due to them not validating your emotions.
6. Passive Aggressive
Passive aggression is an expression of negative emotions through sulking, sarcasm, or victimization. Toxic mothers usually use these techniques to avoid confrontation with their children and show their disagreement or anger.
7. Breaking Personal Boundaries
Toxic mothers don’t respect personal boundaries. They will treat you like a child even though you are a fully capable adult. They will ignore your personal space, open your emails, go through personal stuff, etc., but when you push back to get your personal space, they will play the “I am your mother” card. Or they will say that you are overreacting.
8. Clingy Toxic Mothers
These moms often claim themselves as the best mothers. Even their children may have a very friendly and fulfilling relationship. Such a relationship is not toxic unless the parent crosses the line and relies on you as their closest friend. They make it seem like the relationship revolves around their lives. Also, they want all the attention. They might even become jealous of your partner or other friends.
Why Is My Mom Toxic?
Toxic mothers are always full of themselves. No wonder we have so many toxic mother-daughter relationship stories in the world. But how do they affect you? But what causes them to act this way? Here are some findings –
The reasons for mothers being toxic can be due to bipolar disorder. They are often unresponsive or intrusive, which often permeates their perspective. She usually views everything with negativity and criticism.
Mothers sometimes worry too much. This often affects their decision making her controlling, overprotective, or emotionally withdrawn at times.
Borderline Personality Disorders
People with BPD usually create a toxic environment for their children. They are emotionally unstable, which results in irrational behavioral patterns.
How Does A Toxic Mother Affect Their Children?
Having a toxic mother or a parent can affect children to a great degree. These relationships are often hard to deal with and can sometimes cause serious repercussions, even damage to the brain. They also develop different issues as adults. Here are some of them –
Children who have abusive mothers tend to grow up with a lot of mental health issues like PTSD or what we call post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and depression. Some children even show side effects like anger issues.
Stress itself affects humans in a very bad way, and I don’t think I have mentioned how badly it affects children. But toxic stress has its own way of damaging children, and this can go on for days if not weeks. During stress the levels of cortisol increase and if that remains high for a long period of time, it affects the functioning of the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. After all, these are the regions that are responsible for retaining memory, executive functioning, and learning.
Moreover, chronic toxic stress affects the immune system negatively and increases the risk of getting chronic health issues.
Being in close relationship with a toxic mother can make a child mistrustful. It can also have long-term effects and during their adolescence or in their adulthood they might find it difficult to form healthy relaionships with someone, and even if they do, they might get along with the wrong people or might get into negative relationships.
Toxic Mothers And Their Impact:
Being in close association with a toxic mother can make a child people pleaser. They might seek validation and approval from the outside world, which they never got from their mother. A child looks for their mother’s approval for every little thing they so they look for appreciation, but when they don’t get that, that affects their self-confidence. Additionally, they might even stay in an abusive relationship to crave for love, affection, and appreciation.
A toxic mother who has humiliated their child never appreciated them for their good deeds, has ruined their child for life. Even when they reach adulthood and move out of their house, all that humiliation and negativity moves out of the house but not from their mind; this is the main cause of low self-esteem. They leave out opportunities because they lack that confidence; they feel that they are going to fail.
Adults raised by toxic parents often have trouble building good relationships in the future. Feelings of abandonment, fear, loneliness, and violation cover them. They even have difficulty in a romantic relationship.
- Toxic mothers negatively shape the patterns of their children’s behaviors.
- Toxic stress is another effect that stays with children even after they are grown up into adults.
How To Deal With A Toxic Mother?
It is difficult to a child to identify toxicity, as they have no other reference point. But with growing age comes self-awareness, the chance to experience other relationships that can be meaningful and positive.
If you have understood that you have a toxic mother, then you have already taken the first step. This is the time t understand that your relationship with your mother is not normal and that has nothing to do with you. It is in no way your fault.
If things have reached extreme limits, it would be best to find a therapist. However, you can develop a few practices to cope with the situation daily. So, here are a few ways to cope positively with such situations.
1. Create Boundaries
You should create a line that your parents cannot cross. It is important to create both physical and emotional boundaries when you are living with your parents. Additionally, ome examples would be limiting the number of calls you receive. Limit your personal space and make it PERSONAL. Also, try explicitly, but kindly elaborate on these boundaries you create for your parents.
2. Look For Ways To Express Your Emotions
Yes, it is hard to deal with a toxic mother. It is even harder to share your emotions with them. So, find other ways out. Also, you can look for ways like working out, sports, art, music, poetry, or anything similar.
3. Meet Positive People And Engage
Your best space for love and shelter is your family. But if your parents start acting toxic, you lose that space in life. So it would help to replace it with a new one. Additionally, you could meet new people who are positive and would care about you without passing judgment. Moreover, friends who understand and sympathize with you are important.
4. Make Your Voice Heard
If you are living with a toxic mother, your voice will usually go unheard. So, make yourself heard. Moreover, start voicing your needs and tell them how they make you feel. You won’t need constant approval from others once you start talking about how they made you feel.
A Note From The Parents Mag
“It is difficult to cope with toxic mothers. But this will pass, and you will find repose and relief. It is ok to ask for help from professionals. If it is really hard talking about these situations, ask a friend to listen to you. It is a good start. You can follow the simple ways explained here to deal with the day-to-day happenings. However, if you need professional help, never hesitate.”
Last but not least. Having a toxic mother is more common than you think. You can take questions to the comment section if you have any questions. We will try our best to answer them.
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